I learn something new everyday.

Start a day without a To Do list and it will end it disaster. Take yesterday for example. I woke up at 10am, sat up and played Tetris on my iPhone for 20 minutes. This has become part of my morning routine (healthier than a breakfast of Red Bull and cigarettes, less healthy than a morning jog), I use it as an indicator for how productive my day will be. This morning I nearly beat my high score, yesterday I didn’t even come close.

I dragged myself out of bed and looked at the washing up I had left in the kitchen sink. There was a fat fly buzzing around it. I closed the kitchen door and sat on the sofa. We have a TV but can’t get any channels, so I watched the mind-numbing Transformers DVD we had hired out the night before. The film finished and I looked at the time. It was 12:47 and I was sitting in my pyjamas on our donated sofa, my stomach rumbling with hunger. Oh fuck, I thought, I need to get a job.

I spent the next five hours until my other half came home sending out two job applications and calling a recruitment agency to ask if they’ve got any temping work for me. When The Boy did finally get home after a gruelling day of physical labour, he was presented with a homely picture of yours truly taking the washing off the line while dinner bubbled on the stove. A brilliant façade? Nope, it was a terribly ill thought out façade that was shattered after only slight examination.

He walked in and told me dinner smells nice, I thanked him from the bedroom where I was folding his underpants. Things stated to unravel when he walked into the living room and saw I hadn’t taken the DVDs back. He held up the offending boxes with a smile – these are due back today. I told him I wanted us to go together so we could choose another film. Phew.

Are you wearing my tracksuit trousers? I glanced down at my legs – a sure sign that I had not left the flat all day. I sniffed a yes and muttered something about needing to buy some of my own. Does that mean you haven’t posted that letter? What letter? The one I asked you to post. No I haven’t posted it. And did you get round to registering the Flybuys card? Uhh, no.

The truth was that I had completely forgotten that I needed to do any of these things and being spoken to as if I was a lazy housewife was staring to make my blood a couple of degrees warmer.

He raised his patriarchal eyebrows and turned to go to the bathroom where I could hear his voice echoing around the faux marble walls that I had forgotten to hang the bath mat up to dry after my shower. Then he examined the washing machine and noticed I had not yet hung his work clothes up to dry, which followed by the chilling sound of echoing expletives.

We hired a DVD without giving it much thought and ended the evening watching a tense Russian film about two men working on an isolated weather station. The film finished, he hung his clothes up to dry and we went to sleep without talking.

Today’s To Do List:

• Post letter
• Register Flybuys card
• Return DVD
• Apply for jobs
• Write blog

I’m working my way through it from the bottom up.

So... Do You Like Films?

How many of us have been stumped by that age old first date question - "Do You Like Films"? What's the appropriate response? Using my superhero powers of hindsight I can let you know that telling a bloke you're a Monsters Inc. fan won't secure you a second date.

There are several things you must consider. Today I will be focusing on the most obvious thing to bear in mind; most people worth going on a date with will agree that the best film of all time is Wayne's World. But don't go blurting it out if you don't have the technical knowledge to back it up. Make sure you're well versed and familiar with Wayne's World quotes before meeting anyone you're trying to impress (this may include at job interviews, meeting someone’s parents, school reunions and T.V. appearances). Here's a comprehensive list of quotes and explanations of appropriate scenarios for which they may be used.

1. Excellent
This one is a stable classic, but is also difficult to get right. You must make sure you're using the correct tone of voice, otherwise it will fall flat and you'll run the risk of embarrassing yourself, especially if your date mistakenly thinks you're attempting a Mr. Burns impression.

2. Sha-wing
You mustn't use this on anyone other than your date because it means you think someone else is a babe, and only psychohosebeasts try to make their date jealous. Here's a good example of a time it can be used in conversation:

Your date - "I love your hair, it smells great!"
You - "And you get my highest rating on the sha-wing-omitor. Shaaaaa-wing"

As you say shaaaa-wing, it may be accompanied with the traditional hip thrust, but only if you're sitting down and have some space (I recommend at least 1m square) to perform the manoeuvre without knocking anything over.
There are many other ways of complimenting your date on their appearance whilst continuing to impress with your Wayne's World knowledge, here are a handful of suggestions:

• you tested very high on the stroke-ability scale
• you're magically babelicious
• if you were a president you'd be Baberaham Lincoln
• you're a robobabe

3. Ex-squeeze me? Baking powder?
You may and should use this in place of saying "excuse me? I beg your pardon", but do make sure it's only used to feign shock in order to flatter your date. Here's how a good conversation would go:

Your date - "I had a gym membership but I quit because I never used it"
You - "Ex-squeeze me? Baking powder? With that body I assumed you were pumping iron all day long!"

It's not a bad idea to cup your ear, imitating Wayne's delivery. Like so:

4. Are you mental? Get the net!
 This was used in the film by Wayne to Stacy, so be careful how you use it. You don't want to offend your date by putting them in the same pigeon hole as a psychohosebeast. It can be used in a playful way, ideally whilst flicking your hair and squeezing your dates arm a little.

5. Well, I'm a regular visitor here, but Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors. The French missionaries and explorers were coming here as early as the late 1600's to trade with the Native Americans. 
 This is a tricky one and should NOT be attempted if you haven't done your homework and memorised it word-for-word, but when it's pulled off well it's spectacular! You better have your fancy knickers on because it's guaranteed to have your date gagging for you.
This quote gets you double points because it's taken from the mouth of Alice Cooper. I recommend it as a response to the question "Do you come here often?"

I think that's enough to get you going. It's a good idea to watch the film once before your date, the benefits of this are two-fold: 1) it will refresh your knowledge of Wayne's World and 2) it will relax you.
Okbye.